self-im·por·tance (sělf’ĭm-pôr’tns)
n. Excessively high regard for one’s own importance or station; conceit.
Years ago, I met a woman who was always “so busy.” It didn’t matter what time of the day, month or year - she was always really busy. In fact, it was difficult to imagine just how “busy” her life was considering where she lived and what she did (and didn’t do).
This woman would always find herself “volunteering” for jobs or projects and then would inevitably turn right around and lament to everyone else, “I’m so busy. I’ve got so much to do.”
One year, she volunteered for a local event and was “in charge” of something I forgot but it was like handing out water bottles or some similarly “important” task. It was amazing to see how serious she took this job and how upset she was that others didn’t understand the significane of handing out water bottles. While other volunteers were smiling and having a great time volunteering, this poor woman was running around all wound up and in distress.
As I watched her, I thought about how much she had to work to prove to others just how hard she worked. Here she was volunteering for a job and feeling that others didn’t really appreciate her contributions. The problem was that she didn’t realize that the harder she “worked” and the more “serious” she became, the more she turned people off.
This resulted in the never-ending and often vicious cycle of push-pull or pursuer-distancer dance. In other words, the more she sought attention for her role (i.e. the more she saw herself as important), the more her actions distanced others. So she works harder at getting their attention and they work harder at avoiding her. It’s a terribly sad game. But the saddest part was that she never saw herself as an active participant in this game.
Have you ever known anyone like this? If so, did you do or say anything to him/her? Why or why not?
December 13th, 2007 at 12:50 am
Steve, You are right about some people going to great lengths to prove their importance and be likeable. However, what they tend to forget is that the best way to be liked is to develop a calm and friendly disposition.This lady may have worked hard, but her attitude could need some working on too.
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December 13th, 2007 at 7:42 am
I think you summed it up perfectly. Underneath that exterior of self-importance was (I believe) self-doubt and low self-esteem in that she needed/craved other’s approval and attention. The ironic thing is had she “develop[ed] a calm and friendly disposition” she would have had many friends - the ones she was so desperately reaching out for.
December 25th, 2007 at 8:13 pm
True.
You will find a lot of people use these opportunities to fill a loneliness in their lives and instead of creating the relationships that these opportunities afford. Their plan backfires on them due to a lack of sound judgement. You will find a lot of these types of people, though they have a great capacity to love - have no great skills in expressing themselves or nurturing friendships.
December 25th, 2007 at 8:45 pm
Chinou: Very well said. I do believe that these seekers of relationships have much to offer. As you pointed out, it’s their lack of skills (or sometimes overkill) in reaching out to others for that emotional part (and it’s this part that they desperately seek) that truly backfires.
May 15th, 2008 at 9:05 am
Sadly, I was married to such a person. Whenever my appearance or behavior was not what he wanted, he distanced himself from me. This was an extremely difficult situation as I tried to raise our 3 sons to respect women for who they are, no matter what they look like. (I actually receive plenty of positive feedback about my appearance, by the way.)
When there was disagreement or conflict in our realtionship, he would distance himself from me and the kids by staying late at work or social activities.
Ironically, I am thankful to be able to say I was married to him. My life is so much better without him!