Grief, Loss, and Trauma: “It was God’s Will”, “I Know How You Feel”
7 September 2007
Some years ago, a Florida woman delivered triplet baby boys. Sadly, all three babies died shortly after birth. What made the situation (in my opinion) even more tragic is that people didn’t know what to say to the mother because her entire world had turned upside down. Despite not being certain or sometimes even careful with their language or wording, people from the surrounding churches came by the carloads to offer their condolences.
“It was God’s will.”
“If it was meant to be, it’s meant to be.”
“If God had wanted you to have the boys, then you’d have them.”
“I know how you feel, when I was…”
“Oh, you’ll get over it.”
“Everything is going to be okay.”
…and on and on it went.
Please know that I am not disrespecting church goers, their faith, or their character. What I am trying to do is to illustrate that sometimes, even with the best intentions, people say inappropriate things to those in mourning.
From a mental health’s perspective here’s why those statements are not suitable for comforting someone experiencing trauma and/or grief & loss.
“It was God’s will.”
>How do you know that it’s really God’s will? And even if you did know, this statement does nothing to help comfort and console those in emotional pain or extreme grief.
“If it was meant to be, it’s meant to be.”
>This statement shows a lack of concern for the person in that it carries the “c’est la vie” (French: that’s life!) attitude.
“If God had wanted you to have the boys, then you’d have them.”
>This statement sends the message that you don’t deserve these babies yet.
“I know how you feel, when I was…”
>This attempt to sympathize with the person in mourning seems like the “right thing to say.” However, no two people are exactly alike and thus each person’s loss and trauma is unique to him/her. A more acceptable statement might be: “I am so sorry for your loss. I’m here for you if you need me.”
“Oh, you’ll get over it.”
>This statement is insensitive and minimizes the person’s level of pain.
“Everything is going to be okay.”
>The reason why this statement is inappropriate is that it attempts to predict the future for this person. How do we know that she will be ok? The answer is we don’t. A more appropriate statement might be: “I’m glad that I had the opportunity to be here with you during such a difficult time.”
Trauma experts have shared that it takes 1 to 6 weeks following a crisis (e.g. grief & loss) for strong emotional reactions to subside (A Practical Guide for Crisis Response in Our Schools) and that overall recovery from symptoms such as fear, anxiety, and nervousness can take up to three months (Diane Myers, Disaster Mental Health Consultant & Trainer).
Furthermore, coping with loss is a process that involves a series of tasks carried out over time. The passage of time is a necessary but not a sufficient component of successful grieving. People grieve differently and at different pace (A Practical Guide for Crisis Response in Our Schools).
Sometimes when we’re not sure what to say, the best thing might just be…to not say anything at all. A comforting pat on the back or a hand on the shoulder with an empathetic nod might be what’s needed at that moment.
3 comments… read them below or add one
I happened upon your blog through incircle, and it really stood out to me. My father was a victim of a violent crime one month ago, and he still hasn’t regained consciousness. It’s interesting, because this is the first time I’ve been directly on the receiving end of these sorts of comments. The absolute worst statement had to be from my mother in law, who sent my mom a card saying “we are praying for you, but remember it is HIS will that will be done”. And “HIS” was underlined several times. And don’t you love the use of the word “but”?
I totally agree with silence being better than a negative comment. Some other examples could be “I’m so sorry” or “You are in my thoughts” or “You are in my prayers”. Simply telling someone “I don’t know what to say” is honest and real.
Thank you so much for sharing your insights. Although we have never met, reading about your father touched me. Please know that you and your father are in my thoughts.
No words can adequately sum up another person’s pain, trauma, or grief. And as you have shared on your blog,
“People get really stressed in their reactions to another’s trauma. Sometimes they want to make it “all better”…Sometimes they feel that they have the one sentence that will change a family’s perspective. But who is that really serving?”
Thank you so much again Kathleen for sharing your experiences both as a nurse and as a person who’s been on the “receiving end” of inappropriate words of comfort.
I wholeheartedly agree with you when you said “this is about my struggle, not yours.” I only hope that people gain this perspective when attempting to “comfort” another person.
When you don’t know what to say, a smile and a hug are all you need.
Thanks for reminding us that we can become very inconsiderate sometimes.
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