After giving it much thought, I have decided to retire from blogging. This is my final post. The decision to walk away is not something that I take lightly, but one in which I have tried to look at carefully. Ultimately, the choice was actually a simple one because I’m finally realizing that I have spent an inordinate amount of time tending to my blog and the art of blogging.

This is not a sad day. Rather, it’s a FANTASTIC day because today is the day that I’m taking steps towards fulfilling my goal of making my life a happier and more effective one.

It finally dawned on me that instead of writing about happiness, I should actually live it each and every day. I’m going to stop talking about it and start doing it. I know, I know. It’s a “no-duh” kind of thing. But each of us must learn our life lessons in our own time and in our own way.

I’ve never been good at multitasking and blogging, in addition to everything else in my life, became a balancing act — one I wasn’t very effective at performing. There were, at least for me, simply too many things to balance and not enough limbs with which to do it.

My wonderful wife has been extremely understanding and has supported and encouraged me to do what makes me happy. Through the past (almost) two years of blogging, she’s never once asked me to give it up. This is a decision that I’m making in the best interest of myself and my family.

The BeyondBehaviors.Com site will still be up as I believe that it serves a purpose. Its future is uncertain and when the domain and hosting plan expire, then they expire. No regrets.

I want to express my heartfelt gratitude to the readers who have contributed to BeyondBehaviors and towards my own development. I have learned a great deal about blogging, the WordPress platform, and from my interactions with fellow bloggers like Lorelle on WordPress, Leo Babauta of Zen Habits, and Tina Su of ThinkSimpleNow. I wish them and their blogs much success in the coming years.

People who know me and my work ethics know that what I do, I try to do well. What I envision for my professional future requires time and commitment away from blogging. Two years ago, while living and working on Saipan, I made the conscious decision to walk away from time dedicated to beach volleyball (something I truly enjoy) to concentrate my efforts and devote time (away from work) to training school staff on school crisis management. During that time, I missed beach volleyball very much, but I had no regrets because that decision was the right one and proved later on to be a very smart move.

I feel good about my decision and am confident that walking away from blogging at this point in my life is the best thing for me.

It has been a privilege to interact, share with, and learn from each of you here on BeyondBehaviors.Com. My hope for you is to always believe that “You Will Because You Can.”

Wishing everyone good mental and emotional health,

Steve

Pappasito’s was a well-run restaurant and we served patrons from all walks of life. I had people who would come in sit at my table and munch on the free chips and salsa and then leave. But the worst experience I had weren’t those freeloaders. No siree, the worst was when I waited on a very famous baseball player who, when he came in many of the other waiters and waitresses knew right away who he was, except for me.

For the sake of avoiding rumors and “dirt” which can so often be spread rapidly through the web, I will not mention his name as he’s still an active player today.

Getting back to my story, he came in with his family and their entourage. They sat down and started talking and sharing stories but had no idea what they wanted. This was fine as many people don’t when they go out to eat. As I’m taking their orders, some knew what they wanted while the others kept talking. So I stepped back to give them some time and space. Feeling like I wasn’t properly catering them, his wife snapped her fingers and summoned me, “Hey, you!”

I guess I hadn’t served many celebrities before because I was thinking, “I know she didn’t snap her fingers at me.” But to my suprise, she did.

That was 15 years ago and it’s still fresh in my mind. Why? Because of how she made me feel.

I honestly don’t care if they had been rich or poor, famous or unknown. What bothered me more than anything was the idea that she felt like she could treat people a certain way once her husband made it - i.e. become rich and famous.

I’ve been fortunate in my life because I’ve never been poor, but I’ve also never been rich. I guess I’m somewhere in the middle. What I have found is that money and power sometimes bring out the worst in people. It turns some people arrogant and self-serving. Not all, just some.

Have you ever met anyone famous (celebrity, athlete, politician, etc.)? What was their attitude towards you like? How did they treat you? Was your experience with them positive or negative?

Perhaps one of my proudest moments professionally was when I conducted a School Crisis Response training for the school staff and community members in Saipan. It was the culmination of 3½ years of work assisting teachers and the school system with classroom and school crisis management. I had plenty of help from people who believed in me, e.g. my wife, Congresswoman Cinta Kaipat and her staff, and Congressman Absalon Waki, Jr.

Congresswoman Kaipat had so much faith in me that she funded the production of the School Crisis Response Handbook and she had the local community college, Northern Marianas College, videotape my three-hour presentation! The two video guys treated me like a celebrity. They tested my cordless mic and helped set up the video and audio system. All I had to do was talk — which came naturally for me since that’s never been the problem.

It’s hard to describe in words the feeling of being recognized and validated for what I do from my colleagues and the community. The outpouring of gratitude and positive feedback was amazing.

On that day and in that moment…I felt “big” (validated) and that was a great feeling.

When was that moment for you, the moment when you felt “big”?

As I listened to the stories about her childhood in Vietnam, I pictured that life (on the other side of the world) on the U.S. midwestern plains and farms must have been very similar. It doesn’t seem to matter whether a person grew up in the countryside of Vietnam, the plains of the United States, or the villages of Nepal, life was different back then. So I pose these questions to our readers today:

Do you think we have it easier today than our parents or grandparents did 40, 60, 80 years ago?

What are some things that we experience today that they didn’t 40, 60, 80 years ago? What were some things that they experienced back then that, through inventions and innovations, we don’t have to endure today?

Do you think that they were happier (50-75 years ago) than we are today? If so why or why not?

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.
—Berthold Auerbach

In late fall of 1997, while living and going to school in Tyler, Texas (a beautiful East Texas town), I had one song that I played over and over in the evening time after dinner. That song was Leann Rimes’ “You Light Up My Life.” For some reason, the words and especially the soothing melody were a source of great inspiration and comfort during that period in my life.

Although the words and song were about love, I found inspiration in it to help me through going back to school. What was so meaningful at that point in time was that it was shortly after I had decided to pursue my Master’s in Psychology. This came about after a long journey of dissatisfaction with my life and self-sabotage resulting in my dismissal from law school.

I knew it was going to be a long journey but I was determined that failure and giving up were not an option this time around. With the help of that song (”You Light Up My Life”), those two semesters in Tyler became not only bearable, but therapeutic.

Instead of picturing a girl (the song has a guy as the object of her affection), I would envision a guardian angel looking out for me. So many nights before heading off to bed, I’d play that song and picture this angel looking down on little ol’ me and it had such a calming effect. My favorite part of the song was: “And you light up my life/You give me hope to carry on…”

“You Light Up My Life”

So many nights I’d sit by my window
Waiting for someone to sing me his song
So many dreams, I kept deep inside me
Alone in the dark but now you’ve come along

And you light up my life
You give me hope to carry on
You light up my days
And fill my nights with song

Rollin’ at sea, adrift on the waters
Could it be finally, I’m turning for home
Finally a chance to say, “Hey, I love you”
Never again to be all alone

And you light up my life
You give me hope to carry on
You light up my days
And fill my nights with song

You, you light up my life
You give me hope to carry on
You light up my days
And fill my nights with song

It can’t be wrong, when it feels so right
’Cause you, you light up my life

Music has been shown to be good medicine. Perhaps one of its most famous, present-day advocate is Dr. Oliver Sacks (whose book “Awakenings” was made into a film starring Robin Williams and Robert De Niro).

Dr. Sacks reports that:

[M]usic can animate people with Parkinson’s disease who cannot otherwise move, give words to stroke patients who cannot otherwise speak, and calm and organize people whose memories are ravaged by Alzheimer’s or amnesia.

Music “elicit[s] emotions and associations that had been long forgotten, giving the patient access once again to mood and memories, thoughts and worlds that had seemingly been completely lost.”

The power of music is unmistakeable. It doesn’t just move the heart or inspire the mind, it can literally move body parts (of people with medical conditions and in whom medical science could not help).

So let me now ask two questions of our readers today:

1. Can you recall a time when music (song, instruments, etc.) moved you?
2. If yes, when was it and how did the music “move” you?

I spent eight years of my young life in a war-torn, Communist-controlled country. And though I’ve never been personally subjected to bombings or other atrocities, I was a victim of a totalitarian system. I have witnessed and been a participant in one of the largest mass exodus of people in history (i.e., “boat people”). As a student in Vietnam, I was required to wear a red handkerchief and participate in helping the community every Thursday. When a government official asks (or rather demands) something of you, you comply. Period.

So when people ask me how I came to America, I tell them:

“Communist governments don’t just let you leave the country. You have to escape.”

When I was 6 or 7 years old, I witnessed one of my neighbor’s house being ransacked by a Communist official. He was searching her home for anything suspicious (which meant that it was anything he considered a contraband). The look on this poor woman’s face said it all. What do you do when you can’t do anything? Her home, her life, and her privacy were all violated, and in broad daylight!

While plenty of people witnessed this incident, no one dared spoke up. I’m not sure if it was due to my innocence or defiance, but I didn’t keep quiet. In fact, I blurted out (in Vietnamese): “Hey that man is robbing her house! He’s taking her things!”

And wouldn’t you know it, that was not the right thing to say. Because almost as soon as those words came out of my little big mouth, he grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards his office. The more I struggled, the tighter he held on. My parents were called in to chat with him. Oh man, I can still see the paleness on mom’s face as she sat there politely pleading with the official to forgive me and to let me go.

Two factors saved me from getting into trouble (real trouble) that day. First, I was a child and I think that had something to do with people forgiving you for doing or saying things. Second, my dad was the city doctor so this official knew him and I think respected him.

That was the world I grew up in and those were events that left an imprint in my mind. But what does this have anything to do with Appreciating Your Life?

In my case, remembering that I came from a third world, Communist country (where I came from - life background), with no rights or freedom (what I went through - life experiences), the events that transpired (Vietnam War, Fall of Saigon, etc. - life events), and the people who have made sacrifices to get me to where I am today (life helpers) - remembering all these things helps me to appreciate my life.

Imagine if you’ve never experienced freedom or seen an escalator or walked through automatic sliding doors or eaten a corndog. That was me. The very first time I experienced each one of these things was so memorable. I remember jumping back when the automatic sliding doors opened! And I can still taste my first bite of a corndog.

5 Keys to Appreciating Your Life:

1. Check Your Life Background: Look at where you grew up and your life as a child. See how your childhood impacts your life now as an adult. Let go of the pain, anger, and hate and embrace the the fact that you are here now. If you experienced great and happy things hang on to them. If, on the other hand, your background was one of pain and trauma then try to see the exceptions to the rule, i.e., those times when there were some good and that life was a joy. It may be hard at first to see those times but try. In order to move forward, we must look backwards. What’s your background?

2. Look at Your Life Experiences: The things that you went through, the lessons that you learned and didn’t learn have all molded you into the person you are now. Life lessons are the best and most painful lessons. Nothing teaches us better than simply going through and messing up in life. Just as children will sometimes fall down and scrape their knees, it’s the getting up and dusting yourself off part that will show your true spirit. Your resilience in the face of (seemingly) insurmountable odds will determine your character and drive to make it on this earth. What were your life experiences?

3. Consider the Life Events: Certain events had to have happened for you to be here today. For many of us, it’s nothing short of a miracle that we’ve made it this far in our lives. Whether you’re 20, 40, or 60 years old, you’ve no doubt have relatives or friends who have experienced horrendous trauma or are no longer alive. If you are reading this, you survived! I think that we sometimes forget how miraculous life truly is. I mean think about it. How is it that you survived the car accident and the person in the other car didn’t? Why did my boat get rescued when other boats were lost at sea forever? Why was one house spared in a tornado when the house right next to it was completely destroyed? The older I get, the more I realize that sometimes there is no rhyme or reason why certain life events happen. These events are beyond my control and understanding so what I do is to accept that they do happen and to try to see that in the overall context of my life. What life events happened that shaped your life?

4. Remember Your Life Helpers: Almost all of us had someone in our past or our present who has helped us, whether we realized it or not. Sometimes that person is family. Sometimes it’s a friend. And other times it might be a complete stranger. For me, had my parents not gotten the courage to plan for and implement that escape in the spring of 1979, my life, my world would be completely different now. My parents sacrificed everything to give me, my sister, and brother a better life. I also had some good friends help me out when I didn’t have any money or a place to stay. “No man is an island unto himself.” Who’s helped you in your life? How did they do it?

5. Consciously Decide to Act Now (Begin a New Life Action): If your life background was terrible, and your life experiences something that still leave emotional scars, and the life events that occurred omens of bad fortune, and you had no life helpers, then perhaps this is the place and now is the time to make a very conscious choice to do something about that. You can change, starting right now. No more excuses. We can choose to hang on to the problems, the pain and hurt of the past and let those things ruin our life in the present or we can make a conscious mental effort to say, enough is enough (in Spanish they say “Basta!”). Just as George Badillo did (a person who was in the mental hospital 17 times during much of his adult life, but who then made a conscious decision to turn his life around), you too can decide to not let your past dictate your life in the here and now. Only you can decide to begin a new life action towards living a life that you’ll appreciate and you can do that right here, right now.

[External Link]: Tina at ThinkSimpleNow has a great article called, “Attitude of Gratitude: 5 Tools for Appreciation.” In it, she lists 5 tools to help you “focus on the people and things you are grateful for in life.” Check it out.

Tomorrow (Jan. 8, 2004) will be exactly four years since I faxed in my signed employment contract to work as a Behavior Specialist for a school system on a tiny island in the North Pacific Ocean called Saipan. The island is part of a chain of 14 islands which are collectively called the Northern Mariana Islands. This was a momentous day in my life for several reasons. First, it would be the first time that I left the U.S. and my family to live on my own. Second, it was at a point in my life that I felt I was hitting a career-blasé. Third, had I never come to Saipan I would have never met my wife, Miwa. [We recently relocated back to Dallas (July 2007) to be closer to family].

When I tell people that I left Texas to live on an island in the Pacific Ocean because I wanted adventure, excitement, and something different, I get three typical reactions: (1) People are amazed and praise me for taking action to follow my heart, (2) People are confused as to why I would ever want to leave where I was living (Dallas, Texas), and (3) People think that I went through some sort of mid-life crisis.

Taking that job in Saipan was, without a doubt, one of the BEST decisions in my life. In an earlier post (Yearning for More…), I talked about how I had always lived my life vicariously through others. I was a true dreamer but not a doer. I guess my heart simply got tired of my mind’s wanderlust and had a heart-mind talk. In the end, the heart won out and I could no longer ignore those yearnings.

It’s hard to describe how fulfilled I felt when I came to Saipan. Within the first week or so, I knew that I had made the right decision for my life. No one told me that I had made the right choice. No self-help or personal development book answered my deep longings. Rather, it was simply a feeling I felt in my heart. It just felt right.

When I look at my life and the decisions that I made I realize that life has presented and continues to present me with many choices which I either took or ignored.

• I had a choice to attend Baylor University or other colleges. I chose Baylor.
• During my sophomore year at Baylor, I wanted to become a teacher after watching the movie, “Dead Poets Society.” Instead, I chose to remain with pre-med.
• I had a choice to study and do well in my pre-med classes. I chose to be lazy and naturally did poorly.
• When I reached the end of my pre-med classes (almost completing the pre-med program and just months from taking the MCAT, medical school entrance exam), I had a choice to keep on the same track of medicine or getting off that train. Despite the pain and anguish it caused me, I got off that train because it was the right choice.
• I had a choice to attend law school or say no. I chose law school (but I chose out of fear and attended by default because I didn’t know what else to do with my life).
• I had a choice to study and do well in my law classes. I chose to be lazy and did poorly.

When life showed me all the signs and signals in the world that I was unhappy in my current path in life, I chose to ignore them all and chugged aimlessly along the train tracks of life.

After years of regrets, self-sabotage, and self-doubt, I finally began to listen to my heart and started to choose instead of having things chosen for me.

My life changed in December 1996 when I made the conscious decision to go back to school to get a graduate degree in psychology. But it wasn’t until December 2003 (seven year later and after getting my graduate degree), when I made the conscious decision to apply for a job over 7,000 miles away on a tropical island, that my life truly changed.

In late January 2004, after a 20+ hour flight and traveling almost halfway around the world, I landed on a tiny island…and for the next few years experienced some amazing adventures, did some pretty exciting things, and got to see and do something very different.

In 3½ years on Saipan I was able to play beach volleyball with professional players, see guys husk coconuts with their teeth, fly on airplanes not much bigger than a Hummer, learn Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) from an MMA fighter, create an award-winning website, train over 800 teachers and professionals on Crisis Intervention, School Crisis Response, and Classroom Management, get invited to offer testimony to the CNMI Legislators on Assisted Outpatient Treatment, help research and edit H.B. 15-121, the CNMI Assisted Outpatient Treatment Act, produce and edit a “School Crisis Response Handbook,” and have my School Crisis Response Training presentation videotaped and use as a “teach-and-learn” training tool.

Life is not a spectator sport. It’s up to each one of us to consciously choose to participate. If we don’t, the choices may sometimes be chosen for us.

Founded in 2000, it has successfully used print, billboard, television, and online media to inspire others to create a better life filled with positive values, and to pass it on. Its sole objective is “to promote positive values, using print and broadcast media.”

“We want the stories we share about the actions of others to inspire someone to do one thing a little better, and then pass on that inspiration. While a few individuals living values-based lives seems small, collectively they will make the world a better place.”

One of the individuals the Foundation featured on its billboard campaign is a woman named Liz Murray. Her story is remarkable and truly touches the heart and uplifts the spirit. Liz grew up with drug-addicted parents. Her life took a nosedive when her mom was diagnosed with HIV and moved out. Her dad then went to a homeless shelter and Liz was sent to a group home. Faced with unpleasant experiences at the group home, she ran away, living on the streets of New York City, eating out of dumpsters, and sleeping on the subway trains.

When Liz was 16, her mom died of AIDS and Liz’s view of the world changed dramatically. With just an 8th grade education, she was determined to go back and finish high school. She did that in just two years.

“Life rewards action. I was going to go out there and… have action in my life every day instead of this stagnant behavior that I had been partaking in for so long.” —Liz Murray

On a school-sponsored trip to Boston, Liz walked through Hardvard Yard and she made up her mind then and there that she would do whatever it took to better her life. She applied for the New York Times College Scholarship and was accepted into Hardvard!

Liz Murray grew up with drug-addicted parents. Her mom died of AIDS. Her dad left. Liz was homeless as a teenager, living on the streets and eating out of the trash. Those were her obstacles. She overcame them all.

Today, Liz Murray is working on completing her Master’s degree in psychology and sociology at Columbia University. She is also a member of the Washington Speakers’ Bureau, sharing her story with audiences throughout the U.S. Lifetime Television made a film about her in the 2003 film “Homeless to Hardvard: the Liz Murray Story.”

Do you know of anyone with a story like Liz? Do you have a story of overcoming obstacles in your own life?

For of all sad words of tongue or pen
The saddest are these: It might have been!
-John Greenleaf Whittier

Back on August 11, 2003, I asked for feedback regarding what I should do with my life on a chat forum. Yup, I was that desperate. I had recently completed my Master’s in Counseling Psychology, but felt increasingly restless with my job and life at that time. I wrote that I was feeling “Blahhhh.” Blasé. Bored. I shared with strangers online that I was seeking Adventure, Excitement, and Something Different.

But deep down, I just needed affirmation that I was doing the “right” thing, that I was on the “right” track. And that’s exactly what I got back, things that I already knew deep down.

This New Year, as I look back to four years, four months, and 21 days ago, I want to reflect on “lessons learned.” My hope is that the lessons of hindsight will inspire and hopefully help someone else going through these crossroads in their lives right now.

When people ask me, “Why did you leave?” “What made you do it?” I always answer, I had to. I had to quench that thirst for more, for a “different” life because for so long, I was an armchair adventurer. That is, I vicariously lived through listening to other exciting people talk about their lives and what they had done.

I was always a cautious person. I try to calculate every move and every direction in life. The problem was that it wasn’t working because I was trying to calculate my way out of nowhere.

My psychology professor always says in regards to problems, “Everywhere you go, there you are.” If I had moved to a tropical island with the mindset that I had here in Dallas, my life and state of being would have remained basically status quo. And while the scenery would be different, the things that I carried with me would have been the same.

We hear people talk about wanting to achieve success, but I had something more like a fear of failure. My own definition is that I didn’t want to have a lifeless life, a life empty of excitement, of adventure, of something different. I didn’t want to look back on my death bed and wonder “what if” or have any regrets. Sadly, during the summer of 2003 and for a few years prior to that, my life was just that - lifeless. I went through the routines of life and, on the outside, I appeared just fine. But deep down, where no one else could see, I was yearning for more…much more.

I’m not an expert on how to make your life perfect because I’m not perfect. I fail a lot in life and, for me, the best lessons are those learned in hindsight. To this day, I still refer back to that post back on August 11, 2003 as a reminder to live my life to the fullest, to go after what I want, and to keep doing it eventhough I may not feel like it sometimes.

The words below aren’t some cheesy lines to sell books. They are my life statements. They are my mantra. And they’re a reminder of lessons learned in hindsight. Happy New Year. I wish each and everyone of you out there in the blogosphere, health, happiness, and belief that:

“You Will Because You Can.”
Follow Your Heart.
Believe in Yourself.
Transform Your Life.

Another goal for this blog was to increase the number of comments received. Within the past two weeks, I’ve noticed a steady increase in visitors as well as their participation through comments. Thank you to each one of you. Please keep them coming!

Finally, I’ve been trying to post more comments on other bloggers’ sites and find it very rewarding. Now, I see what the top bloggers meant by interacting with readers. It’s like a whole other world down there in the comments section! Amazing that this is an area that I’ve overlooked for so long. Bloggers like Leo of Zen Habits, Tina of ThinkSimpleNow, and Skellie of Skelliewag are great at continuing the conversations in their comment sections.

Update [12.30.07] - I am aware that for users of the Internet Explorer (IE) or Opera browsers (for all versions), this site will not look right and may seem untidy or “broken.” Please consider using one of these browsers for a better viewing experience: Firefox (PC & Mac), Safari (PC & Mac), Camino (Mac only), or OmniWeb (Mac only).