As I listened to the stories about her childhood in Vietnam, I pictured that life (on the other side of the world) on the U.S. midwestern plains and farms must have been very similar. It doesn’t seem to matter whether a person grew up in the countryside of Vietnam, the plains of the United States, or the villages of Nepal, life was different back then. So I pose these questions to our readers today:

Do you think we have it easier today than our parents or grandparents did 40, 60, 80 years ago?

What are some things that we experience today that they didn’t 40, 60, 80 years ago? What were some things that they experienced back then that, through inventions and innovations, we don’t have to endure today?

Do you think that they were happier (50-75 years ago) than we are today? If so why or why not?

I spent eight years of my young life in a war-torn, Communist-controlled country. And though I’ve never been personally subjected to bombings or other atrocities, I was a victim of a totalitarian system. I have witnessed and been a participant in one of the largest mass exodus of people in history (i.e., “boat people”). As a student in Vietnam, I was required to wear a red handkerchief and participate in helping the community every Thursday. When a government official asks (or rather demands) something of you, you comply. Period.

So when people ask me how I came to America, I tell them:

“Communist governments don’t just let you leave the country. You have to escape.”

When I was 6 or 7 years old, I witnessed one of my neighbor’s house being ransacked by a Communist official. He was searching her home for anything suspicious (which meant that it was anything he considered a contraband). The look on this poor woman’s face said it all. What do you do when you can’t do anything? Her home, her life, and her privacy were all violated, and in broad daylight!

While plenty of people witnessed this incident, no one dared spoke up. I’m not sure if it was due to my innocence or defiance, but I didn’t keep quiet. In fact, I blurted out (in Vietnamese): “Hey that man is robbing her house! He’s taking her things!”

And wouldn’t you know it, that was not the right thing to say. Because almost as soon as those words came out of my little big mouth, he grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards his office. The more I struggled, the tighter he held on. My parents were called in to chat with him. Oh man, I can still see the paleness on mom’s face as she sat there politely pleading with the official to forgive me and to let me go.

Two factors saved me from getting into trouble (real trouble) that day. First, I was a child and I think that had something to do with people forgiving you for doing or saying things. Second, my dad was the city doctor so this official knew him and I think respected him.

That was the world I grew up in and those were events that left an imprint in my mind. But what does this have anything to do with Appreciating Your Life?

In my case, remembering that I came from a third world, Communist country (where I came from - life background), with no rights or freedom (what I went through - life experiences), the events that transpired (Vietnam War, Fall of Saigon, etc. - life events), and the people who have made sacrifices to get me to where I am today (life helpers) - remembering all these things helps me to appreciate my life.

Imagine if you’ve never experienced freedom or seen an escalator or walked through automatic sliding doors or eaten a corndog. That was me. The very first time I experienced each one of these things was so memorable. I remember jumping back when the automatic sliding doors opened! And I can still taste my first bite of a corndog.

5 Keys to Appreciating Your Life:

1. Check Your Life Background: Look at where you grew up and your life as a child. See how your childhood impacts your life now as an adult. Let go of the pain, anger, and hate and embrace the the fact that you are here now. If you experienced great and happy things hang on to them. If, on the other hand, your background was one of pain and trauma then try to see the exceptions to the rule, i.e., those times when there were some good and that life was a joy. It may be hard at first to see those times but try. In order to move forward, we must look backwards. What’s your background?

2. Look at Your Life Experiences: The things that you went through, the lessons that you learned and didn’t learn have all molded you into the person you are now. Life lessons are the best and most painful lessons. Nothing teaches us better than simply going through and messing up in life. Just as children will sometimes fall down and scrape their knees, it’s the getting up and dusting yourself off part that will show your true spirit. Your resilience in the face of (seemingly) insurmountable odds will determine your character and drive to make it on this earth. What were your life experiences?

3. Consider the Life Events: Certain events had to have happened for you to be here today. For many of us, it’s nothing short of a miracle that we’ve made it this far in our lives. Whether you’re 20, 40, or 60 years old, you’ve no doubt have relatives or friends who have experienced horrendous trauma or are no longer alive. If you are reading this, you survived! I think that we sometimes forget how miraculous life truly is. I mean think about it. How is it that you survived the car accident and the person in the other car didn’t? Why did my boat get rescued when other boats were lost at sea forever? Why was one house spared in a tornado when the house right next to it was completely destroyed? The older I get, the more I realize that sometimes there is no rhyme or reason why certain life events happen. These events are beyond my control and understanding so what I do is to accept that they do happen and to try to see that in the overall context of my life. What life events happened that shaped your life?

4. Remember Your Life Helpers: Almost all of us had someone in our past or our present who has helped us, whether we realized it or not. Sometimes that person is family. Sometimes it’s a friend. And other times it might be a complete stranger. For me, had my parents not gotten the courage to plan for and implement that escape in the spring of 1979, my life, my world would be completely different now. My parents sacrificed everything to give me, my sister, and brother a better life. I also had some good friends help me out when I didn’t have any money or a place to stay. “No man is an island unto himself.” Who’s helped you in your life? How did they do it?

5. Consciously Decide to Act Now (Begin a New Life Action): If your life background was terrible, and your life experiences something that still leave emotional scars, and the life events that occurred omens of bad fortune, and you had no life helpers, then perhaps this is the place and now is the time to make a very conscious choice to do something about that. You can change, starting right now. No more excuses. We can choose to hang on to the problems, the pain and hurt of the past and let those things ruin our life in the present or we can make a conscious mental effort to say, enough is enough (in Spanish they say “Basta!”). Just as George Badillo did (a person who was in the mental hospital 17 times during much of his adult life, but who then made a conscious decision to turn his life around), you too can decide to not let your past dictate your life in the here and now. Only you can decide to begin a new life action towards living a life that you’ll appreciate and you can do that right here, right now.

[External Link]: Tina at ThinkSimpleNow has a great article called, “Attitude of Gratitude: 5 Tools for Appreciation.” In it, she lists 5 tools to help you “focus on the people and things you are grateful for in life.” Check it out.

“There is a deep, innate, almost inexpressible yearning within each one of us to find our voice in life.” —Dr. Stephen R. Covey

I love Oprah. Don’t tell my wife that. I love watching her shows and reading her O Magazine. She inspires me and helps me to understand the power of giving. Today, I was fortunate to catch a show I had missed earlier. It featured ex-Microsoft executive John Wood. John was a high-profile executive at Microsoft. He had everything he could possibly wanted - paid-for business-class flights, a private chauffeured car, a beautiful home, and more money than he knew what to do with.

What made him walk away? On a trip to Nepal to “get away from the 24/7″ world of Microsoft, he visited some villages and discovered the appalling school conditions there. There were 70-80 children crammed into a dirt floor school house meant for 20. When it rained, the floor would turn into mud.

The library had 20 books which were left by traveling backpackers, but not suitable for children. John promised that he would return in one year with books. One of the teachers told him, many people who had visited said that they would return. No one ever did.

But John was different.

He said, “I was making wealthy shareholders wealthier” but there were millions of illiterate children in developing countries who could not read.

Was it hard to leave? “Oh it was so difficult … I was definitely left standing alone at parties.” People told him, “You’re crazy. You’re going through a midlife crisis.” But as John told Oprah, “You have your calling and can’t say no.”

He had originally promised to return to that small village in Nepal when he was on vacation with 300 books. Instead, a year later he returned with 3000 books. Today, he’s built 3600 libraries and collected 2.8 million books. In the past 7 years, he opened 287 schools. By the end of 2007, they’ll have 250 original book titles written by local authors.

When Oprah asked him if he knew that this was his mission he replied, “I had no idea. I just thought “‘maybe I was put on this Earth to do more.’”

What an amazing and inspiring story!

I want to ask you two questions:

1. “What is your calling?
2. “How have you answered it?”

My challenge to you:

1. Find Your Calling in Life.
2. Do Something about it.

“Let others lead small lives, but not you. Let others argue over small things, but not you. Let others cry over small hurts, but not you. Let others leave their future in someone else’s hands, but not you.” -Jim Rohn

None of us is spared this dilemma and the older we get, the more “forks in the road” we face. Joan Borysenko shared a few things about “When to Call It Quits.” Here are a few questions to ask yourself:

“Am I riding a dead horse?”
Basically, this says when the horse is dead, get off. While I am a big advocate for following your dreams (see my sidebar), I am also a firm believer in realistic optimism. For instances, I can study day and night and yet somehow the theories of Calculus and Organic Chemistry escape me. This was the case with me struggling while a pre-med major at Baylor University. It didn’t dawn on me that my strengths just weren’t in the pure math and sciences because even though it came easier to my friends, it didn’t to me.

It took running out of mental steam or literally riding the horse until it died until I finally had to face the fact that I was not good with advanced math or pure science like chemistry.

In Vietnamese, when people describe a student as “smart” they would say “học giỏi” meaning “study well” as in he/she studies well. They would use the word “thông minh” to describe a person who is “intelligent” but not when talking about a “good student.” Vietnamese believes that if you studied hard enough that you could learn anything. The problem, however, is that it fails to differentiate between skill deficits and performance deficits. Skill deficits involve an inability to perform the appropriate behavior. For example, Ashley does not have the social problem-solving skills to interact appropriately with her peers on the playground. Thus, even if Ashley wanted to interact appropriately, she does not possess the required skills to do so. Performance deficits, on the other hand, is where a person is able to engage in the behavior but fails to do so.

“No one likes to admit failure or that a cherished dream is over, but letting go of what isn’t working frees up energy that’s better spent on something else.” —Joan Borysenko, PhD

“Is the life I’m living the one I really want?”
We’re told to color inside the line in grade school. We’re instructed to stand in the lunch line in junior high. We try to copy the popular kids’ fashion in high school. And we’re expected to follow what society or our families demand of us in college and beyond.

When I was in Japan, I saw hundreds of men in black suits heading to work (called “salarymen”) everyday. Then I would see another group of salarymen coming home after work similar to that scene from the movie, “The Matrix.” It’s as if they wake up, wear the same outfits, head to work, work, and then return home. Everyday.

“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.” —Henry David Thoreau

“What am I afraid of?”
When I wasn’t sure about how I would break the news to my parents how much I hated law school, my biggest fear was the look of disappointment on their faces. It’s amazing because to some of you reading this, that might sound ludicrous. We each have our own fears, things that we’re afraid of, things that we dread facing. For me, it’s letting my parents down. It’s something that has plagued me. Years later, after facing my inner demons, it now serves to inspire me.

I first had to admit to myself that I was afraid. Then I had to face that fear - head on.

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.” —Eleanor Roosevelt

“I believe the only reason we’re here is to find out what we love…and get about the business of living it!” —Oprah

In Yes magazine’s “The Secret to Happiness,” Dr. David Myers, a social psychologist, attempted to answer this question.

Dr. Myers said that we’re fooling ourselves if we think that money is the answer. Rather, he said that

“the good life springs less from earning one’s first million than from loving and being loved, from developing the traits that mark happy lives, from finding connection and meaningful hope in faith communities, and from experiencing “flow” in work and recreation.”

In recent UCLA/American Council on Education (ACE) surveys of nearly a quarter million entering college students, “very well-off financially” were consistently the top ranked of 19 rated goals, outranking “becoming an authority in my own field,” “helping others in difficulty,” and “raising a family. When pollsters asked the average American what makes “the good life,” 38 percent in 1975 and 63 percent in 1996 chose “a lot of money.”

In affluent countries such as the U.S. Europe, and Japan, there is (surprisingly) a weak link between wealth and well-being (happiness). Blue collar workers are just as happy as white collar workers and vice versa.

“People who go to work in their overalls and on the bus are just as happy, on the average, as those in suits who drive to work in their own Mercedes,” observes David Lykken, summarizing his own studies of happiness.

Are we happier today than say back in 1957?

“Compared to then, today’s America is the doubly affluent society—with doubled real incomes (thanks partly to the doubling of married women’s employment) and double what money buys. Americans today own about twice as many cars per person, eat out more than twice as often, and commonly enjoy big screen color TVs, microwave ovens, home computers, air conditioning, Post-it notes, and gobs of other goodies. Materially, these are the best of times.”

Studies show that Americans are actually unhappier today than they were 50 years ago. “The number of Americans who say they are “very happy” has declined…from 35 to 30 percent.”

Dr. Myers calls this the “American paradox.”

“We at the end of the last century were finding ourselves with big houses and broken homes, high incomes and low morale, secured rights and diminished civility. We were excelling at making a living but too often failing at making a life. We celebrated our prosperity but yearned for purpose. We cherished our freedoms but longed for connection. In an age of plenty, we were feeling spiritual hunger.”

If materialism and wealth are not the answer to happiness then what is?

Studies point out several factors:

1. Close, supportive relationships. We humans have what today’s social psychologists call a deep “need to belong.” Those supported by intimate friendships or a committed marriage are much likelier to declare themselves “very happy.”
2. Faith communities. Connection, meaning, and deep hope are often nourished in congregations. In National Opinion Research Center surveys of 42,000 Americans since 1972, 26 percent of those rarely or never attending religious services declared themselves very happy, as did 47 percent of those attending multiple times weekly.
3. Positive traits. Optimism, self-esteem, and perceived control over one’s life are among the traits that mark happy experiences and happy lives. Happy people typically report feeling an “internal locus of control”—they feel empowered. When deprived of control over one’s life—an experience studied in prisoners, nursing home patients, and people living under totalitarian regimes—people suffer lower morale and worse health. Severe poverty demoralizes when it erodes people’s sense of control over their life circumstances.
4. Flow. Work and leisure experiences that engage one’s skills also enable the good life. Between the anxiety of being overwhelmed and stressed, and the apathy of being underwhelmed and bored, lies a zone in which people experience flow—an optimal state in which, absorbed in an activity, they lose consciousness of self and time. Flow theorist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi found people reporting their greatest enjoyment not when mindlessly passive, but when unself-consciously absorbed in a mindful challenge. Most people are happier gardening than power-boating, talking to friends than watching TV. Low consumption recreations prove satisfying.

Thus, according to Dr. Myers and studies on happiness, those things which make for a “good life” and which will last are “close relationships, a hope-filled faith, positive traits, [and] engaging activity.”

I know this topic and the “answers” seem cliché, but I intend to try to practice and implement these qualities in my life. And what better time to commit to doing this than this Thanksgiving season.

I was browsing Oprah’s website and came across a Satisfaction with Life Scale.

The scale (developed by Ed Diener at the University of Illinois) asks you to answer how satisfied you are with your life.

1 = Not at all true
4 = Moderately True
7 = Absolutely True

1. In most ways, my life is close to ideal.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7

2. The conditions of my life are excellent.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7

3. I am satisfied with my life.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7

4. So far I have gotten the important things I want in life.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7

5. If I could live my life over, I would change almost nothing.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7

I took the test and scored a 29

Here’s the explanation: If you scored 15 or less, you’re not satisfied with your life. If you scored 31 or more, you’re very satisfied with your life.

If you scored somewhere in the middle, happiness expert Dr. Robert Holden has some advice on how to live a more satisfying life. Dr. Holden says the key to being happy is overcoming “destination addiction,” which he defines as “living in the not-now.”

“It’s always about tomorrow, so you’re chasing ‘more,’ ‘next’ and ‘there,’” he says. “You promise yourself that when you get there, you’ll be happy. And I promise you, you won’t, because you’ll always set another destination to go for.”

Instead, Dr. Holden says if you are unhappy with your life or looking to improve your score, there are two things you can do. “We have to learn to let go of our past, we have to give up all hopes for a perfect past. Let the past go, it’s gone.” After that, he says, “Take a vow of kindness. Be kinder to yourself and to others.

“It’s never too late to be happy,” he says.

I guess I need to work on my “destination addiction” because honestly, I do worry about tomorrow. I worry about how I will provide for my wife and how I’ll pay my monthly bills which includes my outrageous student loan and the other bills associated with life (e.g., rent, food, etc.).

But I’m going to make an effort to work on not chasing that ever elusive “more.”

Please take the Satisfaction with Life Scale and share your thoughts in the comments section.

Steve said there are 3 things that happy people do that makes them happy.

(1) One thing that happy people do that makes them happy is that they leave the past behind. Happy people don’t dwell on the past. Steve shared a wonderful story about a woman named Geri who grew up in an abusive home with an alcoholic father. Tragically, the drunken and abusive father murdered his wife and then committed suicide leaving behind, Geri and her 4 siblings. After their parents deaths, Geri and the 4 kids were sent to Buckner Children’s home here in Dallas, Texas. For many years, Geri was angry and resented being there. But then one day, she told herself that she wasn’t going to let her past dictate her future anymore. Today, Geri is a busy court-reporting professional with a full-time job and family. She didn’t dwell on her past and instead left it behind.

(2) The second thing that happy people do that makes them happy is that they talk to themselves. Happy people are positive. They talk to and encourage themselves. Steve told of a beautiful story of a man named Sam Phelps. Steve met Sam when Sam contacted him about how he might clear his (Sam’s) name because there was another man, also named Sam Phelps, who was on his way to prison. This, naturally, made (the innocent) Sam Phelps very nervous at having his clients believe that it was him!

When Steve Blow showed up to interview, boy was he surprised to find that instead of a big, strong stock broker that there was a tiny man in a wheelchair. In the course of interviewing Sam, Steve learned a lot about the character of a truly strong and happy person.

Sam shared that growing up in the 1950’s in a wheelchair was different than it is now. He won a scholarship to a well-known private university here in Dallas. Then he worked hard at just getting a chance to work at a stock brokerage firm. However, unlike his other coworkers, Sam was only paid commission and no salary. But he worked hard and his personality and charms won many people over.

The office that Sam and his coworkers shared had a big window which looked out into a used car office building right across the parking lot. That used car office had the prettiest girls and Sam and his buddies would always watch to see which one was working that day.

One day, Sam noticed the prettiest girl he had ever seen. He would watch her and soon found himself just smittened by this girl. He looked up the phone number in the phone book and dialed the office. When the girl answered the phone, Sam told her that he had been watching her from his office right across the parking lot and he told her how pretty he thought she was. Intrigued by the call, the young lady asked him to stand up!

Sam thought as quickly as he could and picked out the best-looking guy in the office. “Bobby, stand up!”

So impressed was the girl that they made a date for Saturday night.

Well, wouldn’t you know it when the pretty young girl opened her door that Saturday night and instead of handsome Bobby, there sat little Sam Phelps in his wheelchair.

At this point, Steve Blow stopped Sam and turned to the woman sitting next to him.

“And how mad were you?” asked Steve.

“Well, I was plenty mad but his confident and warm personality won me over,” explained Sam’s wife.

Sam Phelps is an example of a positive person who didn’t let his life circumstance drag him down. Instead he saw his future ahead of him and he worked towards it.

(3) The third thing that happy people do that makes them happy is that they have the most gratification in life. Gratification is the good feeling you get when you do something good with your life. The last story was about June and her daughter Sherry. June had heard about a community group that met on Saturdays to help the developmentally disabled group in the neighborhood. So she decided to drag her daughter, almost kicking and screaming, to the first meeting. The next Saturday, it took a little less work to convince Sherry to go and then it was a little bit less after that. Soon, Sherry got up on her own every Saturday morning to go spend time with her new friends at the community center. One day, they announced that the volunteer project was over and that the group wasn’t meeting anymore. Sherry took it upon herself and convinced a local church to allow her to host the group on Saturday mornings. At first a few people came and then soon more people came.

Today, like every Saturday for the past 39 years, Sherry opens up the Saturday group for her developmentally disabled friends, only they’ve grown up now and the group is for adults.

Sherry felt gratification when she did something good with her life.

My question to the readers out there: What are some things that you do that makes you happy?

For the past 3½ years I have been wrestling with this dilemma living literally, on the other side of the world.

It’s only been 4 weeks since we left Saipan and only 20 days since we’ve been back here in Dallas. There are a lot more cars and a lot more traffic now. Life seems even busier than before.

Yet, somehow in this hyper-speed merry-go-round that we call life, I’ve managed to hold on to what’s most important - family.

Today, I watched my 6 year old nephew practiced his piano lessons and I smiled and thought to myself, “It’s nice to be home.”

So by the time we got in to the Dallas/Ft. Worth Airport it was 10:20pm. What an ending to a long journey back home! Suffice it to say that we are experiencing some major jet lag right now as we can’t seem to get our bearings on whether it’s day or night.

But all things considered, we’re back home safe and sound and my family and nephew and niece so happy to see us.

Jennifer was kind enough to point out today that while she wasn’t offended that I mistook her for Deece, she did “feel bad” because I mistook her for a 9-month pregnant woman. Ouch. Right on all counts. Jennifer also politely mentioned that it was in fact her son whom I mistaked for a girl. Ouch and ouch again.

This officially ranks worst than the time I accidentally entered the girls restroom in 7th grade. Unfortunately, those polite girls didn’t say anything and me, in my temporary flash of brilliance, wondered why “they” (the girls) were in “my” (the boys) restroom.