Pappasito’s was a well-run restaurant and we served patrons from all walks of life. I had people who would come in sit at my table and munch on the free chips and salsa and then leave. But the worst experience I had weren’t those freeloaders. No siree, the worst was when I waited on a very famous baseball player who, when he came in many of the other waiters and waitresses knew right away who he was, except for me.

For the sake of avoiding rumors and “dirt” which can so often be spread rapidly through the web, I will not mention his name as he’s still an active player today.

Getting back to my story, he came in with his family and their entourage. They sat down and started talking and sharing stories but had no idea what they wanted. This was fine as many people don’t when they go out to eat. As I’m taking their orders, some knew what they wanted while the others kept talking. So I stepped back to give them some time and space. Feeling like I wasn’t properly catering them, his wife snapped her fingers and summoned me, “Hey, you!”

I guess I hadn’t served many celebrities before because I was thinking, “I know she didn’t snap her fingers at me.” But to my suprise, she did.

That was 15 years ago and it’s still fresh in my mind. Why? Because of how she made me feel.

I honestly don’t care if they had been rich or poor, famous or unknown. What bothered me more than anything was the idea that she felt like she could treat people a certain way once her husband made it - i.e. become rich and famous.

I’ve been fortunate in my life because I’ve never been poor, but I’ve also never been rich. I guess I’m somewhere in the middle. What I have found is that money and power sometimes bring out the worst in people. It turns some people arrogant and self-serving. Not all, just some.

Have you ever met anyone famous (celebrity, athlete, politician, etc.)? What was their attitude towards you like? How did they treat you? Was your experience with them positive or negative?

resilient |riˈzilyənt|
(of a substance or object) able to recoil or spring back into shape after bending, stretching, or being compressed. (of a person or animal) able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditions

Some time ago, I met a woman* who shared with me her life story. She grew up very poor and was working and supporting herself by the time she was 15 years old. As a child, she lived in a constant state of fear from a family member who physically abused her. She recounted stories of her being kicked, slapped, and punched in the body, face, and head, with scars to show for it. When she was in her mid-40’s, she was involved in a car accident that almost left her paralyzed. The firefighters had to cut the roof of her car and then hoisted her broken body out.

Multiple surgeries and weeks of rehabilitation later, she finally learned to walk.

As she sat in front of me, she shared about her secret to appreciating and living a happier life. She told me that letting people know that she was “just happy to be here” no matter what the life or work environment was like helped put perspective on things. When she would hear others complain about their jobs, she’d chuckle and say “I’m just happy to be here.”

This amazing woman taught me the true meaning of appreciating and loving life. Through the trauma and challenges (poverty, abuse, auto accident) she made a conscious decision to influence how her life would turn out. Today, she’s happily married with children of her own.

Have you met people with life-changing stories? Do you have a story of your own? Please share with our readers.

*Note: This woman is a fictional person who represents true stories from real-life survivors of trauma and abuse.

self-im·por·tance (sělf’ĭm-pôr’tns)
n. Excessively high regard for one’s own importance or station; conceit.

Years ago, I met a woman who was always “so busy.” It didn’t matter what time of the day, month or year - she was always really busy. In fact, it was difficult to imagine just how “busy” her life was considering where she lived and what she did (and didn’t do).

This woman would always find herself “volunteering” for jobs or projects and then would inevitably turn right around and lament to everyone else, “I’m so busy. I’ve got so much to do.”

One year, she volunteered for a local event and was “in charge” of something I forgot but it was like handing out water bottles or some similarly “important” task. It was amazing to see how serious she took this job and how upset she was that others didn’t understand the significane of handing out water bottles. While other volunteers were smiling and having a great time volunteering, this poor woman was running around all wound up and in distress.

As I watched her, I thought about how much she had to work to prove to others just how hard she worked. Here she was volunteering for a job and feeling that others didn’t really appreciate her contributions. The problem was that she didn’t realize that the harder she “worked” and the more “serious” she became, the more she turned people off.

This resulted in the never-ending and often vicious cycle of push-pull or pursuer-distancer dance. In other words, the more she sought attention for her role (i.e. the more she saw herself as important), the more her actions distanced others. So she works harder at getting their attention and they work harder at avoiding her. It’s a terribly sad game. But the saddest part was that she never saw herself as an active participant in this game.

Have you ever known anyone like this? If so, did you do or say anything to him/her? Why or why not?

Rock bottom is good solid ground, and a dead end street is just a place to turn around.  ~Buddy Buie and J.R. Cobb, “Rock Bottom” (song)

In Part 1, I asked the readers to think about several questions:

• “Am I controlling my life or is my life controlling me?”
• “Do I want to steer my way through life or let it steer me?”

In this “answers” (part 2) post, I’ll ask 2 more questions:

• “How badly do I want to change?”
• “What am I waiting for?

Thus, from those questions, the “how” to control your life would go like this:

1. Life is not a spectator sport. Jump in and take control of it.
2. Only you and you alone can influence how your life will turn out.
3. You have to want to change.
4. Take action. Do it now.

In a previous post, I wrote about George Badillo and “Inside Outside,” a documentary about eight people with mental illness who were institutionalized. The film follows their transition from nursing homes and psychiatric hospitals into the community. George shared, both in the documentary and to me personally, that the catalyst that spurred him to change was him wanting a better life. He was walking around the grounds of the mental hospital when it hit him that he’s wasting his life away. So, following the 4-Steps to Taking Control of Your Life, this is how George did it:

1. He realized that he was not in control of his life, that he was watching it unfold but not the one in control.
2. He then acknowledged that he and only he can influence how his life would turn out.
3. He told himself that he wanted to change, that he had to change.
4. Finally, he took actions: exercising daily, working with his doctors to lower his dependence on medications, taking classes offered, and doing whatever it took to get himself up and out of that hospital.

This is a man who had been institutionalized 17 times! He took control of his own life instead of letting it control him. The key, and perhaps the most difficult step, is to transfer the “wanting to change” into “doing the change (taking action).”

Here was a man who had, and still lives with, mental illness. He was in the mental hospital 17 times during much of his adult life. He then made a conscious decision to turn his life around. He took the steps necessary to ensure his success and then took a giant step from wanting to change into taking proactive actions toward that change.

“My dreams are worthless, my plans are dust, my goals are impossible. All are of no value unless they are followed by action. I will act now.” —Og Mandino

“This life is yours. Take the power to choose what you want to do and do it well. Take the power to love what you want in life and love it honestly. Take the power to walk in the forest and be a part of nature. Take the power to control your own life. No one else can do it for you. Take the power to make your life happy.” —Susan Polis Schutz

In mental health, therapists sometimes use the term “locus of control” to get a picture of how a person views the causes of life events. There are two types of locus of control, internal and external. A person with an internal locus of control sees himself as having more control over life events. A person with an external locus of control, on the other hand, sees life dictating control. Internal locus of control is you paddling your boat down the river of life. External locus of control is letting the river of life push and carry you.

As a Disability Services Advisor and Psychotherapist I often see this in students and clients. But beyond the school and clinical settings, I see this in people in general.  Perhaps more than anything else, what I often hear goes something like this:

• “I’m so stressed out because I have so much going on.”
• “I’m so tired because X, Y, and Z happened to me!”
• “I’ll never get things done because I need to do A, B, and C.”

The role of counseling is to help people gain or regain their perspective and give them back their sense of control. Most people don’t need a counselor to help them gain perspective, they need good friends or family members to, first of all, be supportive and then, secondly, to share insights and ideas about realistic goals.

As we enter this holiday season, why don’t you take a closer look at your “locus of control” and honestly ask yourself this question:

“Am I controlling my life or is my life controlling me?”

After you answer this question, the next step is to then determine:

Do I want to steer my way through life or let it steer me?

* One visitor (SDC) pointed out the obvious, that although I’ve posted questions, I never really provided answers. I’ll do that in my next post.

However, there’s another coach on another soccer team who is the complete opposite of nice and encouraging. This other coach prefers to yell at his players (who are younger than my nephew’s team). Now I’m not sure if this other team is a problem-causing, troubling-making team or not. And from the looks of it, they don’t seem to be. But you’d never know that if you listened to their coach. It’s almost as if he’s waiting for them to mess up to berate them. “These kids never listen to me!” he complains.

I’m not a soccer coach although I have played tennis, basketball, and especially volleyball (with volleyball this is my 18th years). I have also coached volleyball at my former church as well as intramural teams while at Baylor. Believe me, I used to lose my cool and yell. But people once told me a long time ago that it’s all about having fun and that “we’re not professionals.”

As a Behavior Specialist, I am also reminded of the classroom management research that Harry Wong studied wherein he found that the thing that kids hated the most in the classroom was teachers who yelled.

Communications and child development experts have shared that when we yell, children don’t hear our messages, instead they comply out of fear because of the tone (volume) of our voices.

As we’re watching “real life” whiz by, my wife and I turn to one another and smile. I guess we’re reminded of an important lesson we learned while living on Saipan, which is that when you’re too “busy” with life, you’re actually missing out on “living” it. I know it’s cliché or cheesy, but there’s such truths in these words.

One sad thing I noticed is that the price of a workaholic society yields children starving for time and attention from their parents or guardians. I’ve noticed that people throw themselves into their jobs and slave away endlessly at work. They work to earn enough money to put food on the table and a roof over their children’s heads.

However, I’ve also noticed a trend of the affluenza parents and their children. These parents also work hard but their efforts are toward the luxuries and extravagances. Affluenza is the term used to explain the problems that occur “when individuals are in pursuit of money, wealth, and material possession at the expense of other sources of self-esteem and contentment.”

What I’m seeing are unhappy children with a ton of toys, electronic gizmos, clothing, and excesses. Yet instead of giving them the time and attention that they so desperately crave, these parents give them material things. My hope and encouragement to parents who shower their children with “stuff” is to stop. Give your children food, water, and make sure they have clothes to wear. Comfort them when they are sick and encourage them when they’re down. Don’t give your kids material things, instead give them love, time, and your attention.

Adults who live a fast-paced lifestyle are quick to talk but slow to listen. When your children talk, stop what you’re doing and listen first. You’ll be suprised at the things your 5 year old can teach you.

In the final analysis, think about these questions,

“If I were to die tomorrow, how would my children remember me, as someone who spent time with them or who spent time at work?”

“Would I have any regrets? Would they?”

We keep saying that we’re working hard to create a better life for ourselves and our children. But at what price? If the costs outweigh the benefits isn’t it time to reconsider our choices?

On the one hand, there was the male waiter who seemed to be in “crisis mode” the entire time. For over 45 minutes, not once did I observe him to smile, even when he handed people their checks. On a few occasions, he even grimaced as if he was suffering from something. For some strange reason, he was always running around…panicking.

Then there was the female waitress who seemed so carefree and always smiling. In stark contrast to the waiter, this waitress was calm and so collected. Though she had as many tables and as many customers to care for, she was never in “crisis mode.” Instead, she worked efficiently and confidently, never panicking.

How could two people, working at the same place, doing exactly the same duties have such different mindsets and attitudes?

As a former waiter, I do realize that sometimes, it’s just not your day or you get very difficult customers at your tables. But, let’s suppose that the guests were about the same and the stress levels comparable between the two. Let’s also assume that there was nothing physically or emotionally wrong with the male waiter. I would venture that the male waiter works in “crisis mode,” always reacting to his environment instead of anticipating or taking preventative steps. The female waitress, on the other hand, avoids the “crisis mode” by planning ahead. She understands her environment and sees the stumbling blocks or obstacles as challenges rather than adversities.

When life comes at you, how do you respond? Are you in crisis mode all the time, most of the time, sometimes, or rarely? If you answered all the time or most of the time, I would encourage you to think about how you approach stressful events or situations. If you tend to react then that might be a sign to start changing your mindset to prepare yourself for life’s “unexpected surprises.”

I ran into many people within the past few days who read the Saipan Tribune’s article [June 28th], “PSS’ Steve Nguyen bids Saipan goodbye.” It was a great article in that it included almost everything I said. Almost. So I would like to share what was omitted from the story with you all today. The blue italicized portions (below) were not included in the final version of the article and I wanted to highlight those things here because they are important:

What else does PSS need to do to continue what you’ve started with them?

One thing that I see and continue to see (not just for PSS but also in the community) is a dependence on “off-island experts.” While there are legitimate reasons to bring people here to train, no amount of training can replace work ethics. We have the skills, the talent, and the know-how, now is the time to put these things into practice.

I have been blessed to have trained and presented workshops to over 800 teachers, but all of that will be useless if no one applies the skills and knowledge in these workshops. There are a handful of dedicated and passionate professionals. My dream for PSS is to use these individuals to inform and inspire others to build local-capacity here in the CNMI.

They say that character is what you do when no one is watching. My hope and wish for PSS and the government agencies here is to adopt honor and character as virtues in your life and in your workplace. We are each “experts” in some areas and if we respect one another, hold ourselves accountable, and work together imagine what we can accomplish. Let’s Be Doers!

Any other messages you want to extend?

Practice the five virtues in your job and in your life: (1)competence, (2)caring/sensitivity, (3)flexibility, (4)passion, and (5)vision.

Remember that Saipan, Rota, and Tinian are places that you call home. What you do now will greatly impact the Saipan, Rota, and Tinian of the future. What will your children see in their future? In their homes? In you? What will the CNMI be like for your grandchildren?

Finally, I want to leave with these word from my favorite quote…

A vision without a task is but a dream, a task without a vision is drudgery; a vision and a task is the hope of the world. -Unknown

Photo: Reuters
A North Vietnamese tank crashes through the gates of the Presidential Palace in Saigon on April 30, 1975. The taking of the palace marked the fall of the U.S.-backed south and the end to a decade of fighting.

To many of my friends in the CNMI and the rest in the U.S., April 30 isn’t a day of significance. It’s not a holiday. It’s not the birth or death of anyone famous either. But, to me and my family, and millions of Vietnamese around the world, April 30 will forever hold a special place in our hearts and minds.

Photo: CORBIS/Bettmann
An American punches a man in the face as he tries to close the doorway of an airplane overloaded with refugees seeking to flee Nha Trang, which was being taken over by Communist troops in April 1975.

You see, on April 30, 1975 —32 years ago today— the South Vietnamese government surrendered to the North Vietnamese Communist forces ending a decade long civil war known as the Vietnam War. Besides the political consequences (of which I’m not going to go into) there were the emotional, social, and cultural effects that the now infamous, “Fall of Saigon” left.

Had it not been for that fateful day of April 30, 1975, I truly believe that my family and I along with millions of other Vietnamese (who left our homeland as refugees in possibly the largest mass exodus of people by boat ever called “boat people”) might have never left Vietnam.

“In the spring of 1975, 130,000 refugees escaped Vietnam. Tiny boats full of South Vietnamese soldiers and their families set off down the Mekong River in the hopes of surviving the 600 mile journey to the Malaysian coast. They were the first wave of Vietnamese boat people. But they were not the last.”

All totaled, roughly 1.5 million “boat people” left Vietnam after the Fall of Saigon between the mid 1970’s through the 1990’s.

Source: “Why they fled: The fall of Saigon”. The CBC Digital Archives Website. Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. Last updated: 19 July 2004. <http://archives.cbc.ca/IDC-1-69-524-2705/life_society/boat_people/clip1>.
[Accessed 30 April 2007.]

There is a great selection of audio and television clips from the Archives of the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation (CBC Archives) on “boat people.” You can find it here: “Boat People: A Refugee Crisis”. The CBC Digital Archives Website. Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. Last updated: 19 July 2004. [Accessed 30 April 2007.]

For those of you who are educators and would like more information on how to share the “boat people” story with your class, you can find lesson plans also from the CBC Archives.

I am in awe of how my life has turned out because of April 30th. If the “Fall of Saigon” on April 30, 1975 had never occurred, I would most likely be composing this blog entry in Vietnamese (and I’d be fluent in my native tongue, unlike my current state of fumbling and stumbling with speaking let alone trying to write anything in Vietnamese). I’d probably be living in Vietnam with a Vietnamese girlfriend or wife (not both). Instead, as fortune would have it, I grew up in Texas, was educated and indoctrinated with the American lifestyle and way of life and learned how to use big words like “indoctrinated” (all of which I am eternally grateful). My education eventually led me here to Saipan (CNMI), where I met my Japanese wife.

What if life had been one of those “sliding doors” where if I chose left it would turn out one way and if I chose right it would turn out another way? So, if April 30, 1975 never happened, I might still be in Vietnam with my family and friends and with a mindset that’s — Vietnamese. Instead, because April 30, 1975 did happen, I grew up in Texas, attended a southern Baptist college (got a useless degree) and then later on a college primarily for women (got a more useful degree), which all led to me coming here and sitting up at 12:40 am typing this blog today.

What if April 30, 1975 never happened? I sometimes wonder…